Bonding also happens with parents and siblings. "Blood is thicker than water" is a common saying. It can also happen with family substitutes including employers and other organizations and institutions that we join.

In buying, looking at something I want builds the tension of wanting. Completing the purchase creates the pleasure of closure. Even death can be a welcome closure, as condemned people and the terminally ill well know.

Anticipation of closure creates pleasure. A pleasure of tension is in the anticipation of closure. A roller-coaster is a series of tensions as you clank up the slope, anticipating the drop the other side. As you reach the summit there is a relief at having reached the edge, followed instantly by "will I survive" tension as you plummet over the edge, with closure of relief as you reach the other end safely.

When shopping, we enjoy the pleasure of anticipated completion of the purchase. Any closure can help any tension. When someone makes me tense by shouting or disobeying me, there are more ways of resolving this tension other than direct interaction with them. Slamming the door helps. So does driving fast and chopping wood. It's almost like we create other tension and subsequent closure in order to try and snag the broader closure.

Closure closes the doors of the past. Closure is a literal event in more than one way. When we experience closure, we close the doors on the confusion of the past. Closed doors let you focus on the future. They let you decide quickly in the future. Closed doors are also hard to open again.

There are two types of closure: "aha" and "yes". Closure happens in two places during a person's thinking.

First, when you understand and meaning is created, you close the doors on any further pondering of what your experience means. Legend has it that Archimedes, when asked to determine the value of the Syracuse king's crown, went for a bath to think. As he sunk into the waters, he noticed the water spilling over the edge of the bath and suddenly realized how use this to calculate the volume of the crown. This was the point of closure, the "aha" moment, the point of realization. He then ran down the street, naked, shouting "Eureka" (I have it).

Secondly, closure happens when you complete a decision, such as when you say "yes" to the request from another person. Again, it closes off further cognitive effort and resolves associated tensions.

Closure is the brain's way of saying "thank you". When you achieve closure, your brain gives you a nice squirt of seratonin from your own private supply of this natural opiate. This is its way of telling you that you are doing the right thing. You feel good, of course.

Closure can be addictive. Closure is so nice, we will even seek tension in order to experience the pleasure of closure. Children are naughty to get the closure of attention. Unhealthy habits from overeating to excessive sunbathing are all driven by the search for closure.

A classic closure-seeking pattern is the "drama triangle" where, for example, one child experiences closure of persecution when they hurt a sibling, while the sibling feels closure of being rescued by a parent. The rescuer can also get closure in the rewards of moral superiority. Such behavioral games are played out endlessly in families, workplaces and public places.

Closing is a sales speciality and nightmare, which highlights the problem for many -- after all the effort of persuasion, at some time you have to ask for the sale and risk the pain of rejection. The trick in closing is to find the right time, when the person is sufficiently wound up that all you need to do is tip the scales and they fall easily into the closure of agreeing with you and buying what you are selling, whether it is a tractor or their salvation.

If you build tension in another person, they will seek closure. This is a core principle in persuasion.

Emotions and attitudes are catching. If you are uncertain in your arguments and appear to lack confidence in yourself, the other person will not be persuaded. A confident persuader creates confidence in the persuaded.

Confidence is a message. A non-confident person and a strong message leads to mixed messages. For the other person to be confident in their decision to agree, all of your messages, verbal and non-verbal, must align.

Confidence starts with yourself. If you have sound self-esteem and a strong self-confidence, then this will naturally appear in everything you do. Being loud and brash, by the way, does not signal confidence - it is often a sign of someone who lacks confidence and is trying to compensate for this.

A more powerful confidence is that which is quiet and confident enough in oneself to embrace the paradox of being open when you are unsure about something (which acts as the exception that proves that you are truly confident the rest of the time).

Whatever you are selling or seeking to persuade, you need to believe that it is truly valuable and worthwhile. A salesperson who does not believe in their products will communicate this, no matter how slick an act they put on.

When you are persuading another person, if your arguments are weak and easily challenged, then you will probably have difficulty in being confident about them. If, on the other hand, you understand and believe what you are saying, you will appear far more confident.

You also need confidence about the other person. If you see them as a threat then you will react very differently from if you see them as a person to be cared for and who you can help.

Confidence can be over-done and appear as arrogance. This particularly happen when the other person is uncertain and the persuader is making them feel stupid or pressurized.

To lead others, the confidence of the persuader needs to be at an attractive place in front of them towards which they can move. If it is too far away, they are likely to react negatively towards it.

Build self-confidence by doing internal work on your belief system. Make friends with your subconscious. See your self as equal to others. Know that you are a good person with sound values.

Build confidence in what you sell by studying it in detail. This will also help you to explain it to the person to whom you are selling. If you are persuading about non-products, then likewise build a deep understanding of what you want.

Confidence in other people starts with confidence in yourself and with your overall beliefs about people. Just as you should research the product and what you will say, it is of great value to find out more about the other person.

Always make your confidence attractive. Do not act as if an unconfident person is stupid. Show understanding that they are not confident and position your confidence where they can seek to be as confident as you.

For more persuasion principles, see www.ChangingMinds.org   BACK

Confusion Principle
There are many written and unwritten rules of conversation and interpersonal communication. People expect you to follow those rules. If you break them, they will quickly become confused.

One of the deep needs we have is to be able to understand the world around us. If we understand, then we can predict what will happen and hence control our environment and stay safe. When we cannot make sense of our experiences, we feel confused and scared and seek a way of getting out of the cognitive deep water in which we find ourselves.

When we predict outcomes, we set up expectations. When the expectation does not meet what was predicted, we have to stop to figure out what is going on.

What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the sound of a tree falling in the forest when nobody is there? What is the point of such meaningless Zen sayings? The clue is in the deeper intent of Zen...to find enlightenment. Confusion is designed specifically to send you inside, making you think so hard about what they mean that you forget yourself.

Confusion can send you so far inside and so deep that it puts you into a trance. As you struggle to find a meaning where none exists, the assumption that an answer must exist sends you on an ever-deepening spiral. Confusion is a method that is, perhaps unsurprisingly, used by hypnotists as a method of hypnotic induction.

Confusion is used in many persuasion techniques as a way of destabilizing the other person. Just as a drowning man will clutch at a straw, so also will a confused person grab at any idea you offer them in the hope that it will help them crawl out the sea of confusion in which they are wallowing.

The most common way of confusing someone is simply to overload them. Just keep giving them things until they crack. It is especially effective if what you are saying is of interest and makes them think and want to respond.

Overload is multiplied when what is being communicated is complex or difficult to understand. This effectively shortens the time to the point where the other person becomes overloaded and needs to stop and process the information given to them.

For more persuasion principles, see www.ChangingMinds.org  BACK