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Harmony Articles |
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Living in Peace While conflict is inevitable in homeowner associations, we do have choices about how we are going to deal with it. When handled in a constructive manner conflict can be a catalyst for new awareness, new understanding, creative solutions, and enhanced relationships. However, when conflict occurs we don’t always deal with it in the most constructive way or we sometimes don’t deal with it at all. Conflicts rarely get better with time. Here are some suggestions for how to deal with conflict the next time it arises. Speak Directly. Talk directly with the person with whom you have the problem unless there is a threat of violence. Meet face to face, or talk over the phone, to explain your concern in a positive, respectful manner. Direct conversation is much more effective than sending an anonymous letter, banging on the wall, or complaining to your friends and neighbors. Plan What You Will Say. Think about what you want to say in advance. You will want to talk about the problem as you see it and how it affects you. You want to help the other person understand that a problem exists and invite them to help you find a solution that you can both live with. Choose a Good Time. Choose to talk with your neighbor when there will be enough time for a thorough discussion. Consider a time when you think the other person will be most receptive. A quiet place where you won’t be easily disturbed can make it easier to talk and listen. Speak Openly and Honestly. Have a positive attitude about working together to find solutions. Using unfriendly language or blaming the other person for everything makes it harder for him or her to hear you and understand your concerns. Remain open to hear a different perspective than your own, seeking to understand before being understood.
When you talk: Listen. Give the other person a chance to explain their view, describe their own concerns, and share their own feelings. Relax and try to understand how the person feels about the situation. Summarize what you hear and ask questions to clarify your understanding of their view of the problem. Understanding the other person’s perspective does not mean that you are agreeing with them. However, in order to find a solution you must have a complete picture of the problem. Talk it Through. Once you start, get all the issues and feelings out in the open. Don’t ignore the part that seems too "difficult" or "minor". Your resolution will be durable if everyone’s issues and needs are considered and addressed. Consider Possible Options. Brainstorm some solutions that might remedy the problem. Be creative in thinking up solutions but don’t critique them until you have run out of ideas. Discuss the solutions that you both think might work. Two or more people cooperating to find a creative solution are much more effective than one person demanding that the other make a change. Be Clear and Specific About a Solution. Play it SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely). For example, "Beginning tomorrow, I will bring my dog in at 9:30. If I forget, please call me to remind me." Follow Through. Agree on when and how you will check in with each other to make sure that your agreement is working, and then do it. Communicate immediately about any changes, or if your solutions are not having the desired result. Congratulate yourselves on working together to resolve the problem. City of Beaverton Oregon Dispute Resolution Center. BACK
Act or React? "A sullen fellow, isn't he?", I asked. "Oh, he's that way every night", shrugged my friend. "Then why do you continue to be so polite to him?", I asked. "Why not?", inquired my friend. "Why should I let him control how I'm going to act?" As I thought about this incident later, it occurred to me that the important word was "act". My friend acts towards people while most of us react toward them. He has a sense of inner balance. He knows who he is, what he stands for and how he should behave. He refuses to return incivility with incivility, because then he would no longer be in command of his own conduct. When we are enjoined in the Bible to return good for evil, we look upon this as a moral injunction -- which it is. But it is also a psychological prescription for our emotional health. Nobody is unhappier than the perpetual reactor. His center of emotional gravity is not rooted within himself, where it belongs, but in the world outside him. His spiritual temperature is always being raised or lowered by the social climate around him, and he is a mere creature at the mercy of these elements. Praises give him a feeling of euphoria, which is false, because it does not last and it does not come from self-approval. Criticism depresses him more than it should, because it confirms his own secret opinion of himself. Snubs hurt him, and the merest suspicion of unpopularity in any quarter rouses him to bitterness. A serenity of spirit cannot be achieved until we become the masters of our own action and attitudes. To let another determine whether we shall be rude or gracious, elated or depressed, is to relinquish control over our own personality. From an article by Sidney J. Harris - Chicago Daily News BACK
Managing Difficult People For many, personal experience of conflict moves through a series of phases that make up a recurring cycle. This cycle can be positive or negative depending on the beliefs about conflict that we developed at an early age. What someone says or does can spark an automatic response based on our attitudes and beliefs. This, in turn, triggers a consequence that usually reinforces our belief systems and perpetuates our behavior pattern. The key to dealing with a difficult person is to change your attitudes and behaviors in order to change your relationship with that person. You can do this more successfully by:
The next time you are confronted by a difficult person, what do you see them doing that causes you to react negatively? Consider the following:
Pay close attention to their behavior patterns. What is working and what is not? Have you made assumptions about what these actions mean? Next, pay attention to your behavior patterns. What is working and what is not? What do others do that works better? If you don’t set aside your assumptions, you may never realize what are you are responding to. Now, take the time to consider how your actions may affect the other person. Consider the message you may be sending them. Finally, decide what you would like the relationship to be and make a plan that will move you toward that goal. What do you want them to understand? How will you present yourself? What will you say? Treat every interaction with a difficult person as an opportunity to improve your relationship. Allow yourself to see the larger patterns of behavior, both theirs and yours. Imagine yourself to be a third party observing your interactions with the difficult person. If your approach to conflict isn’t working, exchange it for one that will move you toward a better relationship. BACK
Doing or Being?
All sorts of goals, some admirable, some questionable. I think we were asked to answer the wrong question. What we want to do is not nearly as important as what we want to be. Doing is usually connected with a vocation or career. Being is much deeper. It relates to character, who we are and how we make a life. Doing is tied in closely with activity, accomplishments, and tangible things. Being has more to do with intangibles, the kind of people we become down inside which can't be measured by objective yardsticks and impressive awards. But of the two, being will ultimately outdistance doing every time. Are you giving thought to things that count? I hope so. Goal-setting and achieving are important, especially if we are in need of being motivated. Moving in the right direction is a great way to break the mold of mediocrity. It's helpful to ask, "What do I want to do?" But while you're at it, ask yourself the harder question, "What do I want to be?" Then listen to your heart. True treasures will emerge. Pick one or two to start with. Don't tell anybody, just concentrate time and attention on that particular target. Watch God work. It will amaze you how He arranges circumstances so that the very target you and He decided on will begin to take shape within you. It won't happen overnight, but that's the difference between doing and being. One may take only twenty years; the other, a lifetime. One can be recorded in a yearbook and is easily forgotten; but the other requires a lifebook which is on display forever. From Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life by Charles R. Swindoll BACK
Fear Change? Pay higher fees? Are you nuts? We should lower
them! Really makes you thankful you stepped forward for the job, doesn’t it? Your good ideas are criticized, downsized and capsized. You discover that "Rules are fine but they don’t apply to me!" People you thought were clear thinking and supportive turn out to be muddled and self serving. Welcome to Club Dread. At the core of the backlash is a fundamental human resistance to change even when the change is for the better. Lives are made of pieces and principles woven into a fabric familiar to the user. Changing any part of the weave disturbs the whole cloth. As a board seeking better results for the HOA, understanding the "we fear change" mentality helps get goals accomplished. Here’s how. Slow Down. A board with an urgent agenda runs roughshod over member opinion. It’s extremely important when proposing change to allow the members to ponder and speak. When given the chance, most won’t take advantage of it. But not given the chance brings out the rebel in some. So, take your time and poll the members when something new is proposed. There are few issues that must be decided immediately. Gain Trust. When proposing changes, trust trumps facts. In other words, too many studies and facts actually complicate the process by raising questions. A statement like "The board has thoroughly investigated this issue and consulted with knowledgeable experts. The findings indicate there is a strong need to make this change to properly care for our assets" actually reassures most members. Negotiate. As an elected director, you are, in essence, a politician. Successful politicians understand the value of give and take while hardliners go down with the ship. Negotiation and compromise is a great trust gainer because it shows respect for others. Often giving in to little things accomplishes the bigger vision thing. Sell the Sizzle. Every worthy change has what salesmen call "sizzle". Like trust, sizzle can be sized for consumption. For example, "While the board is asking for a special assessment of $10,000 each toward this renovation project, real estate agents advise that the units will increase $25,000 in value. So this is a great investment and will substantially increase the livability and pride of ownership. Let’s not forget that this same work for a single family homeowner would cost three times as much. We’re getting a heckuva deal here!" Calm the Waters. Having a long range vision is critical to lasting change. Put your firefighter suits away and map out a plan that includes a reserve study, funding to pay for reserve projects plus an annual schedule. Having a plan speaks volumes to members who have entrusted the board with their single largest asset. A real plan says, "This ship is on course and the board has a firm hand on the wheel." Lighten Up. While the board will sometimes deal with serious issues, keeping things in perspective will help see it through. Remember, few of these issues are life or death and the world won’t stop turning if you fail. Keeping a sense of humor will actually encourage cooperation from nay sayers who realize they are taking things too seriously. Keep smiling. Selling change to an HOA stuck in a rut is a good thing but it takes a thoughtful approach. Deal with it thoughtfully and you will accomplish lasting change. As the note on the restaurant tip jar says, "Fear change? Leave it here." BACK |
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