Harmony Articles

Forgive & Forget
Basic human nature causes us all to offend others from time to time. Sometimes it’s done unintentionally while other times with malice and forethought. But regardless of intent, if we are to coexist in peace, making amends is essential. Here are seven "A’s" to go about it:

Address everyone involved. If your offense was perpetrated in a group setting, you should make amends to everyone that was there, both the target and the audience. The audience part is important because onlookers may not have been personally offended, but may carry the impression that you’re a jerk until you disabuse them of the notion.

Avoid if, but, and maybe. Don’t rationalize what you did. ("You made me mad"). Take responsibility for your actions.

Admit specifically. Say that you lost your temper, you misunderstood or whatever it was that triggered your inappropriate behavior.

Acknowledge the hurt. Admit that damage was done.

Accept the consequences. If there is something that needs to be restored (stolen, broken, etc.) restore it and pay the price.

Alter your behavior. Promise to do better in the future.

Ask for forgiveness. This may be the toughest part because you may not get the forgiveness you ask for. You can’t control the response but you can control your desire for it. Expect the worst and hope for the best. Accept whatever response you get. Either way, it doesn’t change your part of the process.

Forgiveness is a life changing event for those that forgive and for those that ask for it. We’re all guilty of offending our neighbor. Forgive, forget and be set free. BACK

Feng Shui HOA
Feng Shui (pronounced "fung shway") is the ancient Chinese art of placement. The goal of Feng Shui is to achieve harmony, comfort and balance, first in one’s environment and then in one’s life. Feng Shui translates literally to "wind-water", the two mediums where life exists.

Feng shui is used to create a living space in harmony with nature. Careful orientation of furniture can attract good karma or repel bad. While there is considerable skepticism about the validity of Feng Shui, the goals of harmony, comfort and balance are certainly those that to which every HOA should aspire. However, in the legalistic environment that haunt many HOAs, these goals may seem far away.

Many HOAs live under "The Rules". Whether spelled out in the governing documents or concocted by an ill or well meaning board, The Rules are there to establish lines which should not be crossed. Those that espouse the need for The Rules often believe they are ironclad and black and white. When it comes time to smite a rule breaker, there is no mercy.

There are various reactions to The Rules:

To some HOA residents, The Rules have little relevancy because they state the obvious: don’t bug your neighbors or let your kids or pets run wild.
Others ignore The Rules because they don’t apply (I don’t have a dog, jet ski, RV or like to play loud music).
Others don’t like rules in any form, so violating The Rules is a crusade. (You can’t tell ME what to do!).
Then there are those that go about living the way they do, violating The Rules as they go, because IT’S MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN TO ENJOY MY PROPERTY ANY WAY I WANT TO!

But after all is said and done, the vast majority of HOA residents just want to live in harmony. Most have learned basic give and take behavior when very young and need little instruction as adult. Those that didn’t learn then are slow to change if they change at all. Thus, the sticking point really is what to do with scofflaws which represent a tiny percentage of the whole.

Feng Shui instructs how to harness the mystical powers of nature. One aspect of Feng Shui that drives skeptics to distraction is that the same end can be achieved by different means. The same furniture arranged in different patterns can produce the same harmonious results.

In the same fashion, little used techniques by HOA boards are mediation, accommodation and compromise. The world is not black and white and neither is an HOA. The board actually has the latitude to make deals when it makes sense to do so. An example of this would be a resident (one of those #$%&*!!! scofflaws) that parks a junk car in his driveway which is in direct violation of the HOA’s rules.

The board could do battle with this character and spend endless emotional and HOA capital to win the battle. But win, lose or draw, the guy is still a jerk and likely to engage the board on another battlefield on another day. You just can’t win with some people. So, the board can just choose not to play and spend its time dealing with those that are more receptive. The board doesn’t need to win every battle. Concession can be the greater part of honor.

With a situation like this, it’s in the HOA’s best interest not to fight. As the saying goes "Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it." Let the record state: "The board informed the resident of the rule violation repeatedly, mediation was rejected and the board decided that compromise was in the best interest of the HOA."

So take the Feng Shui approach. Rather than putting up rule barriers that attract challenge, craft "harmonious living philosophies" that attract compliance. Most want to live in peace, so craft an environment where harmony can thrive. Then, simply deal with the occasional tough case. Even Feng Shui homes occasionally have to take the trash out, just not every day. Go you and do likewise. BACK

SMART Resolution
While conflict is inevitable, we do have choices about how we are going to deal with it. When handled in a constructive manner, conflict can be a catalyst for new awareness, new understanding, creative solutions and enhanced relationships.

However, when conflict occurs we don’t always deal with it in the most constructive way or we sometimes don’t deal with it at all. Conflicts rarely get better with time. Here are some SMART suggestions for how to deal with conflict the next time it arises.

Speak Directly. Talk directly with the person with whom you have the problem unless there is a threat of violence. Meet face to face or talk over the phone to explain your concern in a positive, respectful manner. Direct conversation is much more effective than sending an anonymous letter, banging on the wall or complaining to your friends and neighbors.

Plan What You Will Say. Think about what you want to say in advance. You will want to talk about the problem as you see it and how it affects you. You want to help the other person understand that a problem exists and invite them to help you find a solution that you can both live with.

Choose a Good Time. Choose to talk with your neighbor when there will be enough time for a thorough discussion. Consider a time when you think the other person will be most receptive. A quiet place where you won’t be easily disturbed can make it easier to talk and listen.

Speak Openly and Honestly. Have a positive attitude about finding solutions. Anger or blaming the other person makes it difficult for him to hear and understand your concerns. Remain open to hear a different perspective than your own, seeking to understand before being understood.

Focus on Feelings. Discuss your concern focusing on your feelings rather than a lecture.

Listen & Summarize. Give the other person a chance to explain their view, describe their own concerns, and share their own feelings. Summarize what you hear and ask questions to clarify your understanding of their views. Understanding the other person’s perspective does not mean that you agree with them. However, in order to find a solution you must have a complete picture of the problem.

Talk it Through. Don’t ignore the part that seems too difficult or minor. Your resolution will be durable if all issues and needs are considered and addressed.

Consider Possible Options. Brainstorm some solutions that might remedy the problem. Be creative in thinking up solutions but don’t critique them until you have run out of ideas. Discuss the solutions that you both think might work. Two or more people cooperating to find a creative solution are much more effective than one person demanding that the other make a change.

Be SMART about a Solution. A good solution should be "SMART" (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely). For example, "Beginning tomorrow, I will bring my dog in at 9:30. If I forget, please call me and let me know."

Follow Through. Agree on when and how you will check in with each other to make sure that your agreement is working and then do it. Communicate immediately about any changes or if your solutions are not having the desired result. Congratulate yourselves on working together to resolve the problem.

Information from City of Beaverton Oregon Dispute Resolution Center. BACK

Hatfields & McCoys
Conflict resolution is an endeavor where the outcome is directly proportional to the warring parties’ desire for peace. Thankfully, most people want to find a way to peace, especially when the result is viewed as a personal victory. This desire to win allows trained mediators the ability to give warring parties the impression that they both won. Win-Win is a beautiful thing, especially in a homeowner association where the Hatfields and McCoys are neighbors.

There are several ways to approach conflict resolution in an HOA:

Face to Face. In a homeowner association, the first place to start in a neighbor feud is encouraging neighbors to settle their differences like adults. The HOA is under no obligation to intercede in a personal conflict and should only do so when the HOA’s interest is affected. Often having the HOA get involved in neighbor disputes actually increases the intensity of the problem. Acting as a third party trying to settle the matter, blame may be cast on one side or the other, inflaming one side or another. So, rather than taking on a no-win situation, the HOA should first repoint the parties to each other for a solution.

But don’t be surprised if there is an unwillingness to do this. Most neighbor to neighbor conflict results because they are essentially strangers even though they may have lived next to each other for years. The modern world has become increasingly compartmentalized as more and more rely on possessions rather than friends to sustain them. Many get their idea of healthy relationships through TV and are woefully ill-equipped to deal with give and take of every day life.

So, Step 2 may be to point these folks to a professional who can assist them through a process of compromise. There are several types of conflict resolution:

Mediation.

While mediation is often voluntary, it may be required by statute, court rule or CC&Rs.

It is never binding.

A mediator has no authority to decide the case and tries to facilitate agreement by eliciting offers and counteroffers.

It is confidential. By statute, mediation communications are protected and cannot be used against a party if the case does not settle. The mediator cannot be called as a witness.

The mediator has flexibility to craft an agreement that works for the parties and case.

It can address non-monetary issues that courts cannot typically address.

It is relatively inexpensive. The parties usually split the cost and the mediator’s fees are limited to time spent reading papers, in the mediation itself, and post-mediation phone calling to tie up loose ends.

If successful, mediation results in an enforceable written agreement that ends the dispute.

Mediation service may be available free or at a reduced cost through a city or county agency.

Arbitration

In theory, arbitration must be consensual, but in practice may be "forced" due to provisions in an agreement or governing documents.
It is not confidential like mediation and more like traditional litigation. Papers generated in arbitration can be used in later proceedings, but they are not filed with a public body.
Arbitrator decides the case, just like a judge would do.
Supposed to be "binding," but may not be if (1) CC&Rs allow court action after arbitration if a party is unhappy and (2) Statutes allow court action after arbitration, however the party taking it to court can be forced to pay other party’s attorney’s fees if it does not "improve its position".
It is expensive. The parties have to pay the arbitrator’s fees; and if the amount in dispute is large, the agreement or the statute may call for a panel of three arbitrators.
Rules of evidence apply to the extent the arbitrator chooses to apply them.
Law applies to the extent the arbitrator decides to apply it.
There is no right to appeal unless corruption, fraud or misconduct by the arbitrator is shown.
May still have to go to court after arbitrator rules, to convert "award" into "judgment".
Scheduling can be lax unless the arbitrator enforces a schedule.

Litigation

Results are binding.
The matter is not confidential. All papers and proceedings are open to the public.
Court costs are free for the judge and court staff.
There is a right to jury trial.
There is a right to appeal.
Court rules and evidence rules create level playing field.
Trial date assures case completion.

Negotiation This is good, old fashioned direct communication between principals or attorneys. Negotiation is the process of offer and counter offer until a deal is struck.

Compromise When the conflict is not between neighbors but between an HOA member and the HOA, the board has the authority to compromise when it’s in the best interest of the HOA. For example, if the board is trying to enforce a rule that the offender is willing contest all the way to the Supreme Court, it is often in the best interests of the HOA to concede the point rather than spend thousands of HOA dollars trying to win. Even though the HOA may be standing on solid legal ground, judges and juries sometimes side with the underdog or split the difference.

Since win, lose or draw, feuding parties will continue to live in close proximity, it’s best to guide the conflict to a more lasting and peaceful solution. Even the Hatfields and McCoys managed to lay down their weapons eventually with most of them still standing and so can the HOA.

Information provided by Tony Rafel of The Rafel Law Group. BACK