Giggles

1. Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your work desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."
7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance with Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. Skip rather than walk.
10. Whenever you go out to eat, order a diet water with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order Is "To Go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. Send this list to someone who won’t "get it".    BACK

Living in MMVI
You know it’s 2006 when:
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have most of your life, is now a cause or panic.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 8:)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. And now you’re laughing at yourself.   BACK

Hollywood Squares Q&A
Q Do female frogs croak?
A Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q If you're going to make a parachute jump, how high should you be?
A Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q When grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q Jackie Gleason revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A Charley Weaver: His feet   BACK

Say What?
"Outside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," Mayor Marion Barry
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," Hillary Clinton
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." Philadelphia Phillies Manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Al Gore
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" George Bush
"We've got to ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," Joe Theisman, NFL Quarterback
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." Bill Clinton
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Al Gore
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." Keppel Enderbery
"If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees, we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires." George W. Bush  BACK

Redneck IQ Test
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?  BACK

95 Percent Cut
A little boy who wanted $100 very much prayed and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the money.

When the post office received the letter addressed to "God, USA", they didn't know what to do with it so they sent it to the President at the White House. The President was so impressed he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. "That should look like a large sum of money to one so young."

The boy received the $5 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read, "Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I notice that for some reason my letter got sent through Washington, DC and, as usual, those politicians deducted their 95%."   BACK

Laws Of Life: F to G
Fourth Law of Interference. It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences. If you have none, someone will make one for you.

Gordian’s Maxim.  If a string has one end, it has another.   BACK

Laws of Life: G to H
Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder: 80% of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hall's Laws of Politics:
(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed.
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uh...   BACK

Calling It

• If you don’t know what it is, call it an "issue"

• If you don’t know how it works, call it a "process"

• If you don’t know whether it's worth doing, call it an "option"

• If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a "challenge" or an "exciting opportunity"

• If you don’t know how to do something, "empower" someone to do it for you

• If you need a decision, call a "workshop" to "network" and "ground the issue", followed by an "away day" to "position the elephant in the room" and achieve "buy-in"

• Never criticize or boast, call it "information sharing"

• Never call something a failure or mistake, it’s a "positive learning experience"

• Never argue, have an "adult conversation"   BACK

• We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
• We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
• We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
• What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
• What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight.
• What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
• Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
• Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
• Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information.   BACK

No Pun in Ten Did
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Yable was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
22. A fish swims into a concrete wall and says "Dam!"
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One said, "I've lost my electron." The other replied "Are you sure?" The first answered, "Yes, I'm positive."
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal was to transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. BACK
 

Fly the Friendly Skies
Kulula is an airline with corporate office in Johannesburg South Africa. Their flight attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

"We're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Remember that nobody loves you or your money more than Kulula Airlines."

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"We are pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

After an extremely hard landing, "Welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."  BACK

Paraprosdokians
(A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected in a way that causes the reader to reinterpret the first part.)

Senior Moments
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore the next round of technology? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you didn't hear or understand a word they said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.    BACK

* Just accept that, some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always wear clothes that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* If the man wants a blue suit, turn on the blue light.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.    BACK

• Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard

• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O'Rourke

• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers

• If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. P.J. O'Rourke

• The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill

• The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain

• The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer

• There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. Mark Twain

• What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley

• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. P.J. O'Rourke    BACK

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• In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

• Finagle's Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

• Finster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

• First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

• First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else.

• First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.

• Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

• Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.

• Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences. If you have none, someone will make one for you.

• Ginsberg's Theorem. 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

• Ginsberg’s Corollary: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game.

• Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

• Nick Danger's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

• Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.  BACK