Giggles

Path to Enlightenment
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. It is better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
3. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy the evidence.
4. It is not whether you win or lose, but where you place the blame.
5. Happiness is the remission of pain.
6. False hope is better than no hope.
7. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
8. If you believe that humans are born good, you’ve never been a parent.  BACK

Forgive Your Enemies
Sunday's sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies". The Pastor asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All held up their hands except one small elderly lady.

Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any" she said, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, how old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live that long and not have any enemies?"

The little old lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said: "I outlived every one of them."  BACK 

Repaint & Thin
The old church was in dire need of a paint job. The poor pastor mustered a volunteer named Adam and gave him a five gallon bucket of paint and brush. Adam began his work enthusiastically but soon determined that the paint he was given would never cover the whole church.

Knowing the church had little money, he decided to stretch out what he had by adding water. He continued painting and thinning several times before he finally finished the job.

The pastor came out to inspect and gasped in horror at the look of the watered down paint job. He asked, "Adam, what have you done?" When Adam confessed, the pastor lead him to the church storage building, opened the door and showed him ten more five gallon buckets of paint. He turned to Adam, looked him squarely in the eye and said, "Adam, repaint and thin no more."  BACK 

Dear Mr. IRS II
Enclosed you will find my tax return showing that I owe $3,407 in taxes. Enclosed is a recent article from the USA Today stating that the Department of Defense is paying $171 for hammers, NASA pays $600 for toilet seats and HUD pays $22 for screws.   I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats @ $171 each and six (6) hammers @ $600 bringing my total remittance to $3,429.    Please apply the overpayment of $22 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. In an effort to save you time, I enclose one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (retail value: $22).

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer   BACK 

Zingers

  • My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld
  • The Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. Well, Duh. Conan O'Brien
  • Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
  • Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.
  • Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realized I could be eating a slow learner.
  • If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson    BACK 

Signs of Maturity
1. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
2. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
3. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
4. You watch the Food Channel.
5. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup".
6. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
7. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
8. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the music.
9. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
10. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
11. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
12. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
13. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."     BACK 

Evolution of Math
 Last week, I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2. I pulled 8¢ from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her just to give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Now, why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's:

1. Teaching Math In 1950. A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960. A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $800. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970. A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $1000. His cost of production is $800. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980. A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $1000. His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200. Your assignment: Underline $200.

5. Teaching Math In 1990. A logger cuts down a beautiful forest, because he is selfish, inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers).

6. Teaching Math In 2000. Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $1000. El costo de producción es $800. Que es su ganancia?     BACK 

They Walk Among Us
Proof # 1: A guy bought a new fridge. He put the old one in his front yard with a sign that read: "Free to good home". For three days it sat there. He changed the sign to read: "For sale: $50." The next day someone stole it.

Proof # 2: While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."     BACK 

Just Two Words
 Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Brother John.

"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."   BACK 

Laws Of Life: J to O
Jacquin's Postulate: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
Meade's Maxim: You are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it completely foolproof.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.    BACK

A Punny Thing Happened 2

  • Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
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  • A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
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  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
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  • Dijon Vu: the same mustard as before.
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  • Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
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  • I fired my masseuse today. She rubbed me the wrong way.
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  • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
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  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
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  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
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  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
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  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
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  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
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  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
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  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
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  • When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
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  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
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  • When two egomanics meet, it's an I for an I.   BACK

Laws of Life: Various
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand.
Ralph's Observation:  It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.
Ralph’s Corollary: Any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
First Law Of Advice: The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
First Law Of Communication: The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.
Second Law Of Communication: The information conveyed is less important than the impression.
First Law Of Innovation Management: Change is the status quo.
Second Law Of Innovation Management: Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.
Third Law Of Innovation Management: A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.
Second Law Of Decision Making: Any decision is better than no decision.
Third Law Of Decision Making: A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.
Third Law Of Survival: To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.
Parallels To Murphy's Law:  Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.
Putts-Brooks Law: Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.    BACK

Laws Of Life: S’more
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
Glyme's Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder: 80% of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Mencken's Law: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.
Martin's Extension of Mencken’s Law: Those who can’t teach, administrate.
Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hall's First Law of Politics: The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
Hall's Second Law of Politics: Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed.   BACK

Job Review A-H

  • A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.

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  • Accepts new assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

  • Active socially: Drinks heavily.

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  • Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

  • Approaches difficult problems creatively logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

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  • Attention to detail: A nitpicker.

  • Average: Not too bright.

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  • Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.

  • Character above reproach: One step ahead of the law.

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  • Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.

  • Competent: Able to get work done if supervisor helps.

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  • Conscientious and careful: Scared.

  • Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused and clueless.

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  • Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.

  • Delegates effectively: Passes the buck well.

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  • Demonstrates leadership: Has a loud voice.

  • Displays dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.

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  • Enjoys job: Needs more to do.

  • Effective application of skills: Makes good coffee.

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  • Exceptionally qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.

  • Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.

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  • Fluent in several languages: BS artist.

  • Gets along well with others: A coward.

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  • Happy: Paid too much.

  • Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.

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  • High level of participation: Comes to work on time.   BACK

Synthetic Words
Bozone: The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcasm and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: Its, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.    BACK

Snappy Comebacks 2

  • Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?

  • Ah! I see the memo fairy has visited us again.

  • I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.

  • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

  • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

  • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

  • It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

  • Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks?     BACK

Snappy Comebacks 3

  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door Number 1?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
  • How do I set a laser printer on "stun"?
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?"
  • My reality check bounced.     BACK

Punographics
  • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • She said she recognized me from the Vegan Club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • The doctor wrote that I had Type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
  • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.    BACK

Punographics 2
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  • Velcro - what a rip off!
  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
  • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  • The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
  • Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.    BACK

 

Deja Vu Times Two
Lawrence Peter Berra played Major League Baseball for 19 years for the New York Yankees. He played on 10 World Series Championship teams, is a MLB Hall of Famer and has some awe-inspiring stats. His name is consistently brought up as one of the best catchers in baseball history and he was voted to the Team of the Century in 1999.

Amazing accomplishments aside, they probably aren't how you know Lawrence. You know him as Yogi, a nickname given to him by a friend who likened his cross-legged sitting to a yogi. Yogi is famous for his fractured English, malapropisms and sometimes nonsensical quotes. He's closing in on 86, and there seems to be no end to his fan's love for him. Here are 25 Yogi Berra quotes that will make you shake your head and smile.

1. "It's like deja vu all over again."

2. "We made too many wrong mistakes."

3. "You can observe a lot just by watching."

4. "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

5. "He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."

6. "If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be."

7. "If you don't know where you're going, you might end up some place else."

8. Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said."

9. "The future ain't what it use to be."

10. "I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."

11. On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."

12. "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

13. "We have deep depth."

14. "All pitchers are liars or crybabies."

15. When giving directions to his home: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

16. "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

17. "Never answer anonymous letters."

18. On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: "Thank you for making this day necessary."

19. "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

20. "Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."

21. As a general comment on baseball: "90% of the game is half mental."

22. "I don't know if they were men or women running naked across the field. They had bags over their heads."

23. "It gets late early out there."

24. Yogi's wife asked him: "You are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi's answer: "Surprise me."

25. "It ain't over till it's over."  BACK