Giggles
Massive Dues Increase Rocks HOA
The Stone Age Homeowners board of directors announced the largest dues increase in the HOA’s history. Members will be required to pay an additional $2 per month. Protest marches have been reported throughout the area and the smell of tar has begun to waft through the common area.

The embattled board, in a hastily called news conference at the clubhouse, defended the action, saying "If we don’t raise the dues, we are heading straight to insolvency. If the banks foreclose, we all have to live in a van down by the river."

President Buck N. Tradition further pointed out over the derisive shouts of the crowd that the only other dues increase was 83¢ per month several years ago. He had hoped that the members had recovered from that one, or at least forgotten about it. He added that members will simply have to scrimp and save to come up with the money as he sidled nervously toward a side exit door.  BACK

Go Drop Dead
Six condo board members were playing poker in the clubhouse one night. Fred lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Out of respect for their fallen comrade, the other players completed the hand. At the conclusion of the game, the board president, looked around the table and asked, "Who is going to tell Fred's wife?"

They drew straws and Steve picked the short one. They told him to be discreet and not to make a bad situation any worse. Steve then went to Fred's condo and knocked on the door. His wife Norene answered and asked what he wanted. He politely told her that her husband had just lost $500 in a poker game and was afraid to come home.

According to neighbors in the adjacent unit, she yelled, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Steve responded, "I'll go tell him."  BACK

Words to Live By
§ If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

§ You hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." Drew Carey

§ Relationships are a full time job, and we should treat them like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice, there should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you they should have to find you a temp.

§ My Mom said she learned how to swim when her parents took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." Paula Poundstone   BACK

Truisms

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
  • Line up all the world's cars end-to-end and someone will try to pass them.
  • If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  • The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit all day in a boat drinking beer.
  • Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  • Shinbone: a device for finding furniture.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.  BACK

They Walk Among Us #2
 Proof #1: I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

Proof #2: My colleague and I were eating our lunch in the cafeteria when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".

Proof #3: My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

Proof #4: I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the Lost Luggage office. She told me not to worry because I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Proof #5: While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. When asked if he’d like it cut into four or six pieces, he thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into four pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six.

They walk among us...be very afraid.  BACK

Children's Science Exam
Q Name the four seasons.
A Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q How is dew formed?
A The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q How can you delay milk turning sour?
A Keep it in the cow.

Q What causes the tides in the oceans?
A The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the Moon, because there is no water on the Moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the Sun figures in.

Q What are steroids?
A Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q What happens to your body as you age?
A When you get old, you get intercontinental.

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A Premature death.

Q How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A The body is consists of the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q What is the fibula?
A A small lie.

Q What does "varicose" mean?
A Nearby.

Q Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q What does the word "benign" mean?'
A Benign is what you will be after you be eight.  BACK

Sage Advice

  • Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
  • Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them.
  • Always read things that will make you look smart if you die in the middle of it.
  • Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • Never buy a car you can't push.
  • Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time. You won't have a leg to stand on.
  • Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just dance.
  • The early worm gets eaten by the bird. Sleep in.
  • The second mouse gets the cheese.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
  • You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
  • Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.   BACK

Senior Moments

  • Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
  • Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. Mark Twain
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge
  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain
  • By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

  • My wife has a slight speech impediment. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante

  • I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

  • Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Alex Levine

  • Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain

  • My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Ed Furgol

  • Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan

  • What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. Henny Youngman
  • What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. Mark Twain
  • Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was Shut Up. Joe Namath

  • I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. Bob Hope

  • We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers

  • Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. Winston Churchill

  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere! Billy Crystal     BACK

Special Nails
Two carpenters were working on a condominium. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away because it's defective. If it's pointed toward the building, then I nail it in!"

The second carpenter yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the building!"   BACK

They Walk Among Us #3
1. I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400 and said "May I have large bills, please?" She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

2. When I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, I was told the keys had been locked in it. We found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

3. We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener. I responded that we had the largest one available, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that ½ was larger than ¼. He said, 'No, four is larger than two.'

4. My daughter and I went through the fast food take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill and a quarter for the bill of $4.25. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter. He said 'We're sorry but we can’t do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1.75 cents in change.

5. My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

6. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask'.

7. The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

8. At a farewell luncheon for a coworker who was leaving due to downsizing, our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' We all looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

9. I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

10. How would you pronounce a name spelled "Le-a"? Leah? Her mother was irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". The mother said, "the dash is not silent."   BACK

The Haircut
One day, a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replied, "I can’t accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a Thank You card and a dozen roses waiting for him.

Later, a cop arrived for a haircut. When he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I can’t accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a Thank You card and a dozen donuts waiting for him.

Then a congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I can’t accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.  

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.  BACK

DIY Projects
If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace explodes, you call in a so-called "professional" to fix it. The "professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a campaign for the U.S. Senate.

And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How difficult can it be?" Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far less money.

Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. You can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works.

A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you.

Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"   BACK

$4 Tool Set
Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.

Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration.

In either the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.

This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct sunlight.

By Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"   BACK

10 HOA Commandments
I. Love thy neighbor.
II. Respect thy neighbor.
III. Curb thy dog.
IV. Play not thy music too loud.
V. Park in thy own space.
VI. Be not a six car family.
VII. Clean up after thyself.
VIII. Take care of thy property.
IX. Help form a Neighborhood Watch.
X. If there be a problem, talketh about it, bangeth not on the wall.   BACK

10 Caddy Put Downs
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch. It's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir. But personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off sir."  BACK

Montana Cowboys
An 80 year old Montana cowboy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"In my spare time I like to hunt and fish" says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well."

"Well" says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old cowboy. "In fact, he worked and hunted with me this morning, and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He fishes too!"

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean your grandfather's still alive?"

"He's 118 years old," says the Montanan.

The doctor returns, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?"

"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

"Getting Married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to...?"  BACK