Giggles

Davebarryisms
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour, metric equivalent: 378 kilograms per hectare.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73% of all accidents involving falling objects.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.  BACK

The Gummint
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what’s for dinner. James Bovard

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O'Rourke

Government is the great fiction through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P.J. O'Rourke

The art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! Pericles

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

A government that big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.  BACK

Game Over
The Maharajah of India issued a royal decree stating that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and forced the Maharajah from power.

Memories
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".  BACK

Of Biblical Proportion
Moses & the Red Sea
Little Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

Higher Power
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Biblical times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" A child blurted out, "Aces!"

Lot’s Wife
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mom looked back once while she was driving and she turned into a telephone pole!"

Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Story of Elijah
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now", said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?""

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" She said, "To make the gravy!"

Lord is My Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task. But, after much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

Davebarryisms 2
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become.

I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss.

Hit & Run
A successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. A nearby police officer responded to the lawyer’s screaming.

Laws of Nature
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.