Giggles

Living in the Now

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses or Skype.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone is a cause for panic.
9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
11. You're reading this, nodding and laughing.
12. You know exactly to whom you are going to forward this list.   BACK

Men vs. Women
NICKNAMES  If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-Eyes.

EATING OUT  When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY  A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS  A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

CHILDREN A woman knows all about her childrens’ dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.  BACK

Davebarryisms 5

• The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

• The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

• The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

• The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

• The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

• The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

• The metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

• To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

• We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

• We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

• We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

• We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

• What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.  BACK

New Office Policy
In an effort to comply with new austerity measures implemented by the board of directors in response to our current financial crisis, the follow office policy takes place immediately:

Dress Code: Please dress according to one of the following guidelines.

• If you wear Prada shoes or carry a Gucci bag, you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

• If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

• If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the bathroom. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management   BACK

• Never have a heart attack while playing charades.

• My New Years Resolutions go in one year and out the other.

• Hyperbole is the best thing ever!

• Being a mime means never having to say "I’m sorry".

• The Constitution: I read it for the articles.

• Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.

• I like my minions spineless.

• A closed mouth gathers no feet.

• Even the most simple job can be done rong.

• Youth is fleeting but immaturity lasts a lifetime.

• If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

• TV is gooder than books.

• Fear is temporary. Regret is forever.

• The best things in life are not things.   BACK

Box of Cigars
A defendant in a lawsuit was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"I’ve done the best I could. It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars."

The lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer.

"That's how we won the case. I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."   BACK
 

How to Make Policy
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.   After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here.

And that is how company policies are made.    BACK

Rules of the Air

• Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

• Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, watch the pilot start sweating.

• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

• A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

• You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

• The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival: Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

• Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

• Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

• Reliable sources report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

• Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

• You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

• If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

• In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

• Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

• It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

• Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

• The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.    BACK

Stain Removal Guide
Here’s a handy guide to getting out those pesky fabric stains:

Blood. Spill more blood around area of stain so it won’t stand out as much.

Ink. Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why do you test me so?"

Grass. Write the name of your liquid detergent on the stain using the product. Wash item. Hold up to camera and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud. Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Grape Juice. Rub stain vigorously with wet paper towel while saying "Oh, s**t..."

Coffee. Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust, coffee stain flavor.

Tomato Sauce. Take out the person responsible in Mafia style execution.

Wine. Apply mixture of ½ rum and ½ cola to self until you no longer care about it.

Chewing Gum. Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish. Nail polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?

Bleach.   Insoluble.  Burn down house.

From The Onion.    BACK

Laws of Life - Sundry
First Law Of Decison Making: Any decision is better than no decision.

Mason's First Law of Synergism The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are on sale.     BACK