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Critical Morass These 312 particles are held together by forces called "morons", which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called "peons". Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete which would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming "isodopes". This moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You’ll know it when you see it. BACK
Do You Know Me? She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known him since he was a youngster, too. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. He can't have a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt!" BACKLife in the Key of F Francis the Foolish felt little filial fondness for his flawless, fastidious father, Ferdinand the Fourth. Following one February fortnight, Francis finagled his father to fork over five hundred forty-five farthings and then fled to foreign fields. Francis frittered away his fortune on fast food, frivolous fashion, floozies, firkins of foaming ale, fickle friends and funky music. Facing failure, Francis found himself flinging feed in a filthy farmyard as a farmhand. Footsore and famished, he fained to fill his flaccid frame with filched food but found it fit for only a footman. "Fie!" flared Francis, "My Father's flunkies fare far finer." Fortunately, the frazzled fugitive finally faced the facts. Frightened and filled with foreboding, he fled forthwith to his faraway family. He fell fatigued at his father's feet and phrased his feelings: "Father," he fumbled, " I've fuddled and fruitlessly forfeited family favor....forgive me." The far-sighted father kissed Francis' forehead and flagged his flunkies. "Fetch fatlings from the flock and fix feast for Francis. Forthwith! Fall to!" The first-born, Frederic the Feculent, frowned upon his father's forgiveness of Francis' foolish folderol. "Flog this fiend!" he fumed. He has fettered away our family finances!" But the faithful father felt that Francis' foibles should be freely forgiven. "Forsooth, the fugitive is found, so what forbids festivity? Fly the flags freely, amid fifes, fiddles and fanfare...fling a feast!" This parable encourages us to forsake freely flowing festivities. The Father seeks those who are forlorned and desire forgiveness. He forgives those who see their own failures. Furthermore, this Friend is a real fortress and fresh fountain, taking us at face value like the Prodigal Son. Adapted from Luke 15:11-31. BACKWhere is God? Two little boys lived in a small town and engaged in almost non-stop mischief. Whenever there was trouble, odds were they had done it. Finally their parents threw up their hands and asked their pastor for help. Agreeing, the pastor asked to see the youngest of the two. When the nervous boy entered the room, the pastor asked, "Where is God, son?" The little boy trembled, looked confused, and shook his head. But the pastor repeated "One more time, boy, WHERE’S GOD?" The boy was so scared he bolted from the room looking for his brother. When he found him he cried, "We are in big trouble brother!" "No big deal" said his brother, "We’re always in trouble". "No, this time God’s missing....and they think we did it!" BACK
CYA: Collateralize Your Assets "Buy silver. Make
jewelry. Sell."
Larry the Cable Guy Whizdumb Daffynitions Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do Baloney: Where some hemlines fall Bernadette: Torch a mortgage Burglarize: What a crook sees with Control: Short, ugly convict Counterfeiters: Kitchen cabinet installers Heros: What a guy does in a boat Misty: How golfers create divots Parasites: View from the Eiffel Tower Pharmacist: Agricultural Aid Polarize: What penguins see with Relief: What trees do in the spring Selfish: What seafood stores do Subdued: A guy who, like, works on a, like, submarine BACK World’s Easiest Test Questions 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) Of What is a camel's hair brush made? 6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? Answers Good Samaritan? One afternoon, a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men grazing by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and inquired, "Why are you eating grass?" "We have no money for food," one man replied. "Come with me then." "But sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" The second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The man replied, "Don’t mention it. The grass at my home is two yards tall!" BACKWhere Am I? The hot air balloonist was lost, so he yelled to a man on the ground, "Hey! Where am I?" "You’re in a balloon," replied the man on the ground. "You must be an engineer," the balloonist said. "That’s right. How did you know?" "Because what you said is technically correct, but of no use to me whatsoever." "You must be the Board President of a homeowner association," countered the man on the ground. "Amazing. How did you know that?" "You don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. Nothing has changed since we met yet somehow now it’s my fault." BACKSeize the Dazed Robin Williams made the Latin phrase "carpe diem" (car-pay dee-ehm), meaning "seize the day", famous in the movie Dead Poets Society. Here are some variations on the theme:
Sleeping on the Job The ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 9. This is just a 15 minute power nap described in the time management course you sent me to. 8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time. 7. I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm. 6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance. 5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- related stress. 4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 3. The coffee machine is broken. 2. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot. 1. ... In Jesus' name, Amen. BACK Answering Machine @ Mental Health "Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline." ~If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. ~If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. ~If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. ~If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. ~If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship. ~If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. ~If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. ~If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. ~If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line. ~If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. ~If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. ~If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. ~If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you. BACK
Equationations
The Twenty & The One
Davebarryisms 7 To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. To better understand why you
need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your
life. |