PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
More powerful than a switch engine
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the pond is frozen
Casual conversation with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a hop, skip and jump
Almost as powerful as a switch engine
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Faster than a speeding BB
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Dog paddles
Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER:
Hits 3rd Floor wall trying to leap building
Run over by locomotive
Can handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

MANAGER:
Runs into buildings when driving
Identifies locomotive two out of three times
Not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls

SECRETARY:
Pushes buildings out of the way
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets with teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
IS god   BACK

The Tax Fairy
Let's put the current tax cut discussion in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner with a total bill of $100. If each paid their share the way Americans pay taxes:

1^st - 4^th men (poorest) paid $0
5^th paid $1
6^th paid $3
7^th paid $7
8^th paid $12
9^th paid $18
10^th (richest) paid $59
Total paid: $100

The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and were satisfied with the payment arrangement until one day, the owner decided to reward them for being such good customers. He said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your bill by $20 to $80".

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way Americans currently pay taxes so the first four men were unaffected and would still eat for free. But what about the other six? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that it would be "fair"?

If the $20 was simply divided by six, each would get $3.33. But that way, the fifth man (who was paying $1) and the sixth man (who was paying $3) would end up being PAID to eat their meal. So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to divide the windfall by the same ratio (roughly, rounding up to the nearest dollar) as they had the $100 bill. So,

1^st - 5^th paid $0
6^th paid $2
7^th paid $5
8^th paid $9
9^th paid $14
10^th paid $50
Total paid: $80

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But the men began to compare their savings. "I only got $1 out of the $20," declared the sixth man, but he (pointing to the tenth), got $9!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man, "I only saved $1, too. It's unfair that he got nine times more than me!".

That's true!" shouted the seventh man, why should he get $9 back when I got only $2?" The wealthy get all the breaks!"

Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

So, the nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered, a little late, what was very important. They were $50 short of paying the bill! Imagine that!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college instructors, is how the tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore. Unfortunately, most taxing authorities cannot seem to grasp this rather straight-forward logic!

By T. Davies - University of South Dakota   BACK

Ninety Percent Dummy
If you're too cold or too hot at the office, you can always adjust the thermostat, right? Maybe. If you have access to it. But it turns out that even if it's within reach, it may be just a fake.

The Wall Street Journal quotes air conditioning experts as saying a lot of office thermostats aren't connected to anything. They're just there to give employees a feeling of control -- and to shut them up about how hot or cold it is. Sometimes the employer who's leasing office space doesn't even know the thermostat is a fake. Other times, it's the employer who arranges for it.

One HVAC technician in Illinois estimates that 90% of office thermostats are dummies. He says sooner or later, you just get tired of the complaints, and you just attach a phony thermostat and they quit calling you.  BACK

Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you can’t solve"

Things went along smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame on the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did by laying off 20% of the workforce and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."  BACK

High Medical Costs
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary office. As she laid her pet on the examination table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet took the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed, and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably... dead." He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. Still in shock, she took the bill and cried,"$150? Just to tell me my bird is dead?

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20.  But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."    BACK

Ouch! That Hurts!
Mary was waiting for her first appointment with a new dentist and noticed the name on his certificate. She recalled a tall, handsome boy with the same name that had been in her high school class. Upon seeing the dentist, however, she quickly discarded the possibility that this could be him. The balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been her classmate!

After he had examined her teeth, she asked if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" He answered, "In 1964." "Why, you were in my class!" she exclaimed. He looked closely and then asked, "What did you teach?    BACK

Three Questions
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St. Peter who says, "Well, Forrest, we’ve certainly have heard a lot about you. Part of the check-in procedure includes a short test to determine where you fit best. There are three questions:

1. What two days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
2. How many seconds are there in a year? and,
3. What is God's first name?"

Forrest mulls it over and replies: "Well, the first one is easy. The two days would be Today and Tomorrow." Peter’s eyes open wide, he smiles and says, "Forrest, that’s not the answer I was looking for but you do have a point, so I'll give you credit for it."

Forrest beams and says, "And the answer to the second question is twelve". Astounded, Peter says, "Twelve? How in heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." "Hold it, " interrupts Peter. "Again, that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."

"So", says Peter. "Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" says Forrest. "It’s Andy." "Andy?" exclaims the exasperated Peter. "How did you come up with the name Andy?" "Heck, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it at Sunday School from a song: "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I’m his own..."

Peter slowly cast his eyes heavenward, opened the Pearly Gates and boomed: "Run, Forrest...RUN!".

"I tell you the truth, unless you become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Jesus   BACK

Selling It
Septic Tank Installer: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Tire Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Electrician: "Let us remove your shorts."
Optometrist: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." Taxidermist: "We really know our stuff."
Podiatrist: "Time wounds all heels."
Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
Veterinarian: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Restaurant: "Don't go hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."    BACK

The Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone in the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove and table, often carrying just a single item. So I suggested: 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" Another person asked: "Did it save her time?"

The expert replied: "Actually, it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready...and now I do it in about ten."    BACK

Just Desserts
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a big burly biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the biker. "I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."

"This is the worst day of my life," sobs the little guy. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went out to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. Then my wife told me she was leaving me. So I came here to put an end to it all, and you show up and drink the poison."   BACK

Heart Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop waiting for the service manager.

The mechanic shouts across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walks over to the mechanic and says, "How can I help you?"

The mechanic wipes his hands on a rag and asks, "Doc, look at this engine. I open it up, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and responded, "Try doing it with the engine running!"   BACK

Rules of Life
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages.
2. Always have WD-40 and duct tape on hand. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy relationship are "I apologize" and "You're right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. If someone says that you are too good for them...believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, Will this matter a year from now? A month? A week? A day?
8. If you woke up today, congratulations! You have one more chance to do it right!
9. Being miserable because of a bad relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
10. Work is good, but it's not that important.  BACK