A student was telling her teacher
about Jonah being swallowed by a whale. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because its throat was very small.
The student insisted that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher became irritated and slowly
explained again that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to
heaven I’ll ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went
to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." BACK
Shallow End of the Gene Pool
The following were gleaned from job résumés and cover letters:
- I have lurnt computor and spreadsheet
pogroms.
- Am a perfectionist and rarely if if
ever forget details.
- Received a plague for Salesperson of
the Year.
- Wholly responsible for two (2) failed
financial institutions.
- Reason for leaving last job: maturity
leave.
- Failed bar exam with relatively high
grades.
- It's best for employers that I not
work with people.
- I was working for my mom until she
decided to move.
- Marital Status: Single. Unmarried.
Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
- I have an excellent track record, but
I am not a horse.
- I am loyal to my employer at all
costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.
- I procrastinate, especially when the
task is unpleasant.
- Personal interests: donating blood.
14 gallons so far.
- Instrumental in ruining entire
operation for a Midwest chain store.
- Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14
jobs as "job-hopping". I have never quit a job.
- Marital Status: Often. Children:
various.
- The company made me a scapegoat, just
like my three previous employers.
- Finished eighth in class of ten.
- References: none. I've left a path of
destruction BACK
The Brass Rat
A tourist wanders into an antique shop and picking through the items, he
discovers a life-sized brass rat. The sculpture is so unique that he asks the
shop owner the cost. "$12 for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a $1000
for the story behind it." "You can keep the story," he replies, "but I'll take
the rat."
The deal done, the tourist leaves the
store with the brass rat. As he crosses the street, two rats emerge from a
sewer drain and fall in step behind him. Nervously, he walks faster, but every
time he passes a sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. Two blocks
later, at least a hundred rats are at his heels.
He soon breaks into a run as multitudes
of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by
the thousands are at his heels! He sees a bridge and runs for it with
the rats in hot pursuit! Leaping onto a light post, he hurls the brass rat
into the river and watches in horror as the seething tide of rats surges into
the water below.
Shaken, he makes his way back to the
antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have any brass
lawyers!" BACK
Squirrelly
Solution
Three churches in a small village were experiencing
a similar problem. All had been invaded by squirrels which took up residence
in the sanctuary. This caused quite a hubbub during the services as the
furry rodents scurried madly about. Action was called for.
Each church had a particular doctrine to deal with
problems. The Second Church of Reincarnation firmly believed in predestination
and that all creatures, great and small, were entitled to freely occupy space
and time. For them, the solution was to leave them in place. The squirrels, of
course, agreed.
The Church of Enviro-Ecology believed in Compassionate
Creature Care (CCC). After a careful analysis of squirrel habitat
requirements, impact of global warming, effects of El Nino
and the Free Trade Agreement, the squirrels were humanely relocated to a
nearby park. They were back the next day.
The Church of Perpetual Suffering studied the problem
and decided to use their standard recruitment protocol. They presented the
squirrels with warmly worded Letters of Welcome and made them members of the
church. Now, they only see the squirrels on Christmas and Easter. BACK
Performance
Review
This employee has reached rock bottom
and started to dig.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
Works well under constant supervision when cornered
like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it’s only to change feet.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them.
This person is depriving a village of an idiot.
This employee should go far and the sooner he starts,
the better.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was on
break.
A room temperature IQ.
Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to
hold it all together.
A photographic memory but has the lens cover glued
on.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If he were any dumber, he'd have to be watered twice
a week.
He’s a gross ignoramus. That’s 144 times worse than
your common ignoramus. BACK
A
Well Planned Life
Two women met at their 50th high school reunion. One
asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to
live a well planned life?"
"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage
was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage
was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do your marriages
have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three
to get ready, and four to go." BACK
Dislexicology
- How do psychos get through the woods? The Psycho Path.
- How do you get Holy Water? Boil the
Hell out of it.
- What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
- What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
- What do you call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
- What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
- How are a Texas tornado and a Texas divorce similar? Somebody's gonna
lose a trailer. BACK
Eat, Drink & Be
Merry
Studies have shown that:
- The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
- The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
- The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
- The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
- The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of fatty food and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat, drink and be merry. Speaking English is what kills. BACK
Truths I’ve Learned
- You can’t make someone love you. But you can bug them and hope they give
in.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- No matter how much you care, some people are still jackasses.
- It takes years to build trust and seconds of suspicion to destroy it.
- What hits the fan is not evenly distributed.
- Never compare yourself to others; They’re more screwed up than you are.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Don’t sweat the petty things or pet the sweaty things.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Don't suffer from insanity. Enjoy it.
- All are responsible for their actions except celebrities.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- There is a fine line between genius and insanity.
- Great people are taken too soon. Jerks live forever. BACK
Dog Rules
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in
a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog
house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own
house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house, provided his dog house can be sold in
a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. The dog is not allowed to run free in the house and is confined to a
comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house
in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old
furniture and then we'll sell it all and buy new furniture... Upon which the
dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the
covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the
pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on
the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not
to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary
resident," even if it's true. BACK
Parking Story
An older woman was cruising around a busy parking lot. She was driving in her
new Mercedes-Benz looking for a parking space.
Finally, the woman saw
someone loaded with packages heading for a car. She patiently followed him,
put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out.
Just as he pulled out a
young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She
was dumbfounded and outraged. She jumped out of her car shouting, "How could
you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?"
He replied, "That's what
happens when you're young and fast."
As the young man was
about to enter the store he heard a hideous crunch of metal on metal. He
turned, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed
it right into his beautiful black Porsche. He cried out, "How could you do that?"
She smiled and said, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!" BACK