Giggles
A Billion Here & There
The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, this puts it into perspective:
  • A billion seconds ago, it was 1973.
  • A billion minutes ago, it was 102 AD.
  • A billion hours ago, it was 9,411 BC.
  • A billion dollars ago took only 4 hours, 6 minutes at the rate Congress spent it in 2003.

The late Senator Everett Dirkson said, "A billion here, a billion there and pretty soon you’re talking real money."   BACK

Texas Faxus

  1. Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
  2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
  3. There are 10,000 types of spiders and all live in Texas.
  4. Raccoons will let you know when your melons are ripe.
  5. Nothing will kill mesquite.
  6. The wind blows at 90 mph from October 2 to June 25, then stops totally.
  7. "Onced" and "twiced" are words.
  8. "Coldbeer" is one word.
  9. People actually grow and eat okra.
  10. Green grass burns.
  11. Coyotes howling at night sounds good only a few weeks.
  12. "Fixinto" is one word.
  13. A "tank" is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming.
  14. There’s no such thing as "lunch". There is only "dinner" and "supper".
  15. "Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.
  16. "Jeet?" means, "Have you eaten?"
  17. 100 degrees a "tad" warm.
  18. There are two kinds of people:  Texans and those that wish they were.   BACK

Between Two Thieves
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message to an IRS agent and a lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and the attorney were flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. But they were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go too."     BACK

Stock Market Report
 Helium was up
Feathers are down
Beef steered into a bull market
Paper was stationary
Fluorescents dimmed in light trading
Pencils lost a few points
Hiking equipment was trailing
Elevators rose and fell
Escalators continued their slow decline
Weights were up in heavy trading
Light switches were off
Mining equipment hit rock bottom
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel
The market for raisins dried up
Coca Cola fizzled
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit
Balloon prices were inflated
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom
Knives were up sharply
Sun stocks peaked at midday
Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market and,
Diapers remain unchanged    BACK

Occupational Insults
 A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few peas short of a casserole
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One taco short of a combination plate
A few feathers short of a duck
All foam, no beer
The cheese slid off his cracker
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Warning: Objects are dumber than they appear
Intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution doesn’t work
Receiver is off the hook
Sky light leaks a little
His slinky's kinked  BACK

Mathematical Certainty
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult!" Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are three sides to every triangle.’"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence" Bush added: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point and draw the line."

Bush then warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a higher power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

Ashcroft concluded, "Read my ellipse. Though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."  BACK

Murphy’s Golf Laws
1. If you really want to get better at golf, take it up at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4. Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a minimum of not at all.
5. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
6. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
7. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
9. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
11. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
13. It's not a "gimme" if you're still away.
14. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line that passes through the center of a large tree.
15. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
16. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
17. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must make two triple bogeys to restore the equilibrium of the universe.
18. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
19. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
20. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.  BACK

Kids in Church

  • "Our Father, who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

  • A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on. Finally, she leaned over to her Dad and whispered, "If we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

  • "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

  • "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some E-mail.

  • "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

  • A Sunday school teacher asked "Why is it important to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

  • A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

  • Dad was fixing pancakes for his sons and the boys began to argue over who would get the first one. Dad said "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first one.'" One brother turned to the other and said, "You be Jesus!"   BACK

Noah & The Ark
The Lord spoke to Noah, "In six months, I am going to make it rain until the world is covered with water and all evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing. I want you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"At your bidding Lord, I will do as you ask" Noah said.

Six months passed and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping. There was no ark.

Noah!" thundered the Lord, "Where is My ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me! I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet building code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system. My neighbors objected to the project claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough lumber because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the Sierra Club that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me capture any claiming they were endangered. Next, I started gathering the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that Icouldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.

Then, the Army Corp of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to move my business off shore illegally and I just got a letter from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. At this rate, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

Suddenly, the rain stopped, the sun began to shine and a rainbow appeared. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean You are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

The Lord said, "The government has done it for me".  BACK

The Birthday Gift
 After 3½ hours enduring lines and surly clerks at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register.

Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing, I explained, "I've spent the entire afternoon at the DMV."

"Shall I gift wrap it?" she asked sweetly, "Or are you headed back there?"  BACK

Money for Nothing
Dear Mr. Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends Darryl and Janice received a check the other day for $40,000 from the federal government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year.

These hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and grain.

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information on that also. In view of these circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Regards,
 Duster Benton

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?  BACK