Giggles

Just Being Helpful

July 20, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
The Continental Congress
4th of July Blvd
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
The American Colonies

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

I have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems that the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate? If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the thirteen colonies of at last fifty five years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by ten percent in the next ten years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. Your state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

9. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

10. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

I hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." I welcome the submission of your revised proposal. The due date is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

IM Serious

Management Analyst
The British Crown
London England   BACK

Disguised Wisdom

  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive.
  • Life is sexually transmitted.
  • Good health is the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • Whenever I’m blue, I start breathing again.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you $20?
  • In the 60's people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • Politics is the second oldest profession. It bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  • Most of our domestic terrorists came here legally and hung around on expired visas, some for as long as ten years. If you’re two days late with a Blockbuster video, they’re all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.   BACK

Take My Wife (Please)

  1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  3. A jumper cable walks into a bar The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  8. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  9. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
  10. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  11. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  12. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?    BACK

Fasten Your Seatbelts
Sometimes the flight crew makes an effort to make announcements a bit more entertaining:

  • On a flight with a "senior" crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

  • "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this jet."

  • "Thank you for flying Delta. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

  • "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

  • "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

  • And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

  • After a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump. I know what you all are thinking. But wasn’t the weather’s fault and wasn't the pilot's fault. It was the asphalt."

  • After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

  • The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited and give them a "Thanks for flying with us." But in light of a bad landing, the Captain expected some smart comments. Everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady who said, "Sir, did we land, or were we shot down?"

  • After a real crusher landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

  • Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

  • "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

  • After reaching cruising altitude, the captain keyed the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and...OH, MY GOD!...." Silence followed. After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Folks, I’m sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, I spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "You should see the BACK of mine!"   BACK

Why English is Hard
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?   BACK

Y2K Speak
SITCOM: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
SWIPED OUT: A credit card rendered useless by extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for stealing photocopies from the workplace.
ALPHA GEEK: The most technically proficient person in the office.
IRRITAINMENT: Media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them like the O.J. trials and Monica Lewinsky.
DEINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.
ASSMOSIS: Kissing up to the boss.
BLAMESTORMING: Group discussion of what went wrong and who is responsible.
CEOGULL: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, makes a big mess and then flies off.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count.
CLM - Career Limiting Move: An ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss within earshot is a huge CLM.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the internet error message "404 Not Found"
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are identical no matter where you go, like fast food joints and strip malls.
OH NO SECOND: That fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of beating an electronic device to get it to work.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells something loudly in a cube farm, and heads pop up to see what's going on.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea wheels spinning.
MOUSE POTATO: The computer version of the Couch Potato.   BACK

Lexophilia

  • A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.

  • What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  • A backward poet writes inverse.

  • In democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  • If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you a flat miner.

  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.

  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

  • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

  • Every calendar's days are numbered.

  • A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.

  • A short fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

  • When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

  • When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.

  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of the feet.    BACK