Giggles

We all know about UP, meaning toward the sky, but why do we wake UP in the morning?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why does the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. We warm UP leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house.

Some people stir UP trouble and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

At times it’s confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a shop in the morning but close it UP at night. When it threatens to rain, it’s clouding UP. When the sun comes out, it’s clearing UP.

Well, my time is UP. Make UP your own UPlifting list. You will likely wind UP with UPwards of a hundred or more. What’s UP with you?   BACK

The Gripe Sheet
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by the pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.(P: problem S: solution)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.   BACK

Not So Dumb
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and turns to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5 and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and Googles the internet, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some sleep. The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.   BACK

Country Theology

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

• Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.

• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

• Meanness don't just happen overnight.

• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

• Don’t corner something meaner than you.

• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

• You can’t unsay a cruel word.

• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

• The best sermons are lived, not preached.

• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

• Don't judge folks by their relatives.

• Silence is often the best answer.

• Live an honorable life. When you’re old and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

• If you find yourself in a hole, stop diggin'.

• Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.

• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever know is starin’ at you from the mirror.

• Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is easier than puttin' it back in.

• If you think you're a person of influence, try orderin' someone else's dog around.

• Live simply, love largely and talk kindly. Leave the rest to God.   BACK

Metaphorically Misspeaking 101
(Taken from high school English essays)

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underwear in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.   BACK

Laws of Life

1. In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
2. Finagle's Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
3. Finster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
4. First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
5. First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else.
6. First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
7. Flugg's Law: When you need to "knock on wood" is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
8. Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
9. Fourth Law of Applied Terror (Corollary): Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.    BACK

Symphonic Crisis
The orchestra conductor was having problems with the bass players. They were often late, unrehearsed and undisciplined. The last performance of the season was the famous Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony which required extra effort from the basses at the finish.

Just prior to the performance, the conductor discovered the basses in the dressing room celebrating the end of the season by passing a bottle around. He was not amused and chastised them severely. They promised sheepishly to behave.

In spite of this upset, the performance proceeded well. As the conductor began the final movement and turned to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand and scattered his sheet music.

His worst fears had been realized. It was the bottom of the 9th, there was no score and the basses were loaded.   BACK

Metaphorically Misspeaking 102
(Taken from high school English essays)
1. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
2. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
3. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
4. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
5. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
6. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
7. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
8. The plan was simple like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
9. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame...maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
10. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
11. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
12. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
13. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.   BACK