Giggles

Construction Terminology
 Contractor: gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid Opening: poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Bid: wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Low Bidder: contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Engineer's Estimate: cost of construction in heaven.
Project Manager: conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path Method: management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA: protective coating made of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied randomly with a shotgun.
Delayed Payment: tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date: point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages: penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Auditor: person who goes in after the battle is over to bayonet the wounded.
Lawyer: person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.    BACK

Word Ploy
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
9. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
10. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
11. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
12. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a butthead.   BACK

Seven Weak Days
The doctor told me that physical exercise was good for me. So I have worked out this easy seven day exercise program that I can do anywhere at any time with no expensive exercise equipment.

Monday:  Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:  Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of molehills. Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:  Bend over backwards. Jump on the bandwagon. Balance the books. Run around in circles.
Thursday:  Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out the stops. Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:  Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball rolling. Go over the edge.
Saturday and Sunday:  Pick up the pieces.    BACK

Junk Mail Warrior
Junk mail is one of the most hated of marketing ploys. But don’t despair! There is something you can do about it. Take the offense against offensive mail. Become a Junk Mail Warrior. Here’s how:

When you get advertisements enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return them with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages, simply enclose them in the handy postage-paid return envelopes. It costs them more than regular postage when they receive them back. The actual postage varies according to weight so why not also enclose some of your other junk mail?

Get creative. Send an ad from the local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application or empty post paid envelope back. It still costs them return postage.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail. Best of all, they're paying for it. Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea! If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.     BACK

Why Did the Chicken...?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chickens intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&@?!! C \ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of "chicken"?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?    BACK

Telemarketer Defense
"Hello? Can I speak to Mr., Mrs. or Miss Smith?"

You hate them don’t you? There you are enjoying the latest WWF Super Slam Fest and the phone rings with some idiot trying to sell you swamp land in the Ozarks. Aarrrgghhh!

But don’t despair...self help is on the way. Use these techniques to turn the tables on these intruders.

Three Little Words. Say "Hold On, Please.", put down your phone and walk off. Telemarketers have a quota to fill and strict time guidelines for getting it done. Putting them on hold will throw a virtual monkey wrench into their boiler room operation. When you finally hear the phone's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know your mission has been accomplished. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

Fire Back. Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a computer makes calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This is done to determine the best time of day for a "real" person to call and get someone at home. If you receive one of these calls, immediately start hitting your phone’s # button 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible . This causes the computer to record a "bad" phone number and it kicks your number out of the system.

Offer to Call Back. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld has a classic telemarketer defense. When a call is received, simply respond, "Could you give me your home phone number and a good time to call back?". The response will be something like "We don’t take calls at home". Seinfeld’s response is "Now you know how I feel" (and hang up).

Tell a telemarketer a thing or two. Tell ‘em to go to "Hello, how are you today?" An offensive defense makes sense.    BACK

Revealing Revelation
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came despite his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke into laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."     BACK

Ambiguities

  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  • Aren't "self-help books" a contradiction?

  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?

  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ATMs?

  • How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

  • One nice thing about ego maniacs. They don't talk about other people.

  • How is it possible to have a civil war?

  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

  • If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

  • If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

  • Whose cruel joke was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it?

  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

  • If you spin an Asian in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?     BACK

Immutable Laws
Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark.

Acheson's Rule of Bureaucracy A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

Avery's Rule of Three Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.

Calkin's Law of Menus The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.

Dancing with the Devil If you dance with Satan, let him lead.

Law of Overselling When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

Law of Ugliness Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.

Law of Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Paradox of Creativity Creativity is wonderful, but plagiarism is faster.

Weiler's Law Nothing is impossible for someone who doesn't have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteerism People are always available to volunteer in the past tense.

Law of Accumulation Them that has, gets more.

Law of Entomology There is always one more bug.

Law of Gravitational Inebriation You can't fall off the floor.

Osborne's Law Variables won't; constants aren't.

Main's Law For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Scientific Constants: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.     BACK