Giggles

Mental Health Hotline
"Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline."

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

• If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

• If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

• If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

• If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.  BACK

Snappy Comebacks

• I see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
• Thank you. We're all challenged by your unique point of view.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I’ll always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm quite busy.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.  BACK

Murphy's Laws for HOAs
1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
2. Don't be irreplaceable. You’ll never get off the board.
3. The more abuse you take, the more abuse you’ll get.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Never raise two issues in a rules violation letter. The reply will discuss the minor point and say nothing about the major point.
6. If at first you don't succeed, quit. No sense in being a fool about it.
7. Dad said there would be days like this. He just never said there would be so many.
8. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."
9. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of cocktail hour.
10. Error free correspondence will develop errors in the mail.
11. Success is just a matter of luck. Just ask any failure.
12. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but always enough time to do it over.
13. If you’re good, you’ll be given all the work to do. If you’re really good, you’ll get out of it.
14. People are always available for committee work in the past tense.
15. If it wasn't for the "last minute", nothing would ever get done.
16. You always get the greatest recognition for the things you did wrong.
17. All difficult problems can be solved by asking, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
18. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for yours.
19. The former Board President will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong until the current Board President quits.  BACK

Writing Gooder
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbrev., etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant and use more words than necessary.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.     BACK

King of the Universe
A doctor at a mental institution was making his rounds one evening when he heard shouting from one of the cells.

"I am the King of the Universe! I am the Ruler of the World! From now on, everyone will do my bidding because I am the Supreme Commander of the Galaxies!"

The doctor investigated, opening a door to find a man in his skivvies, standing on a chair, beating his chest and yelling, "I am the King of the Universe!"

"Harry!" interrupted the doctor over the man's shouting. "Harry, get down off that chair! And quiet down! You're disrupting people who are trying to sleep!"

"I am the King of the Universe!"

"Harry, you are not the King of the Universe!"

"Yes I am!" he cried all the louder.

"And just what makes you think you are King of the Universe?" asked the doctor.

"God told me I was King of the Universe!" shouted Harry.

Just then a voice erupted from another cell down the hallway: "I did NOT!"

You know the type. They may not exactly claim to be God, but they're convinced that God has given them the final word on what's true and not true, what's right and what's wrong. Are they candidates for mental institutions, or simply deluded? Is ego or ambition a factor? Or is it an understandable need for certainty and firm answers in a world filled with theories and opinions that are constantly changing? Are you trying to be King of the HOA Universe?     By Wayne Rice  BACK

Riding a Dead Horse
Indian tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern organizations, new "improved" strategies have been developed:

• Buy a stronger whip
• Change riders
• Say "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"
• Appoint a committee to the study the horse
• Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
• Modify the standards to include riding dead horses
• Create training sessions to improve riding ability
• Compare the state of dead horses in today's environment
• Pass a resolution declaring: "This horse is not dead"
• Blame the horses' ancestry
• Harness several dead horses for improved performance
• Declare that "No horse is too dead to beat"
• Provide funding to increase the horse's performance
• Do a study to see if a contractor can ride it cheaper
• Declare the horse is better, faster and cheaper dead
• Form a committee to find uses for dead horses
• Revisit the performance requirements for dead horses
• Elect the dead horse to Board President

From an anonymous but very wise source.  BACK

Not Again!
Two ironworkers sat on an I-beam high above the ground and opened their lunch boxes.

"I can't believe it," groaned Joe. "Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I hate peanut butter and jelly!" With that, he crumpled his sandwiches and hurled them to the ground.

Lunch on the second day was a repeat of the first. Joe became visibly upset with the sandwiches in his lunch and once again hurled them 17 stories below.

The following day, sure enough, the same scenario. "I've had it with peanut butter and jelly!" screamed Joe once again. Unable to restrain himself any longer, his buddy blurted out, "Look, if you don't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, tell your wife not to make them anymore."

"Hey, buddy" snapped Joe. "Don't bring my wife into this. I make my OWN sandwiches!"

Sometimes we complain about the way things are when we have nobody to blame but ourselves. We are not mere victims of circumstance. We have the power to control what happens to us. Take action.    BACK

Bob’s Rules of Disorder
Homeowner association meetings are not always run like well oiled machines. Sometimes, they can get downright nasty. Here are some suggestions on how to bring yours to a grinding halt:

Obtaining the Floor  
1. Member shall address the Chair by rising and yelling, "Listen you (insert description of the Chair's birth and intellectual capacity).

2. Person who shouts the loudest shall have the floor. 

3. A louder person may interrupt the speaker at any time and take the floor. 

Making Motions  
1. Motions may be prefaced by an obscene gesture or speculative statement about the occupation of a director's ancestors. 

2. No motions shall be made which include a rope, horse and tree or bird plumage and a petroleum byproduct unless such has been approved in the budget. 

3. Following the statement of the motion, the member shall make facial gestures towards two or more members. The Chair shall then repeat the motion and issue a statement suggesting the member either engage in self procreation or immerse forthwith in an aqueous body. 

Voting
1. Members shall be allocated votes in proportion to their body weight and strength.

2. A group whose combined weight is greater that the combined weight of any other group shall be defined as the "majority".

3. The majority rules, except when the Chair sides with the minority. 

4. The decision of the Chair is final, regardless of the will of the majority. 

Appealing the Chair’s Decision  
1. When any member objects to the Chair’s decision, the Chair shall respond, "So sue me, you jerk."

2. If a member, in response, hurls a ripe garden product or other object, the Chair shall immediately declare the member to be out of order.

3. The Chair may, at his discretion, hurl an object of equal or greater weight and ripeness at the offending member.

Now that you understand how NOT to run a meeting, go to Parliamentary Basics for the real deal.    BACK

Weather, Whether or Whither?
In October, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Really having no clue but wanting to show leadership, the Chief advised that the winter would be cold and that they should collect much wood to be prepared.

It’s How You Say It
Clear communication is an art form that takes practice to make perfect. Sometimes, the whole affair is not too easy to pull off:

Two Cows
Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink beer, give excellent milk and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand (and get) 13 weeks of paid vacation per year, stock options and free housing in Austria, Poland, etc. etc.

• Research is what you do when you don't know what you’re doing.
• It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.
• It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
• There are two rules for success: 1. Never tell everything you know.
• When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
• Trying to have an original thought is sometimes like trying to play Bach's "Fugue in D Minor" on a ukulele.
• If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
• You always find something in the last place you look.
• When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble.
• Man will occasionally stumble on the truth, but usually he’ll pick himself up and continue on.
• All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
• In any organization, there is always one person who knows what's going on; This person must be fired.
• If you view a problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
• Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. BACK